Wanting what is

A large pile of unexpressed fears got buried under a typhoon of ‘busy’-ness all of the past fortnight. So occupied was I, that I no longer invested in my own daily oases of happiness or in stuff that I normally love doing, like writing on this blog.

When a turn of events turned the moth-balled carpet of suppressed anxieties on its head last night, and when a pain in my neck had begun to spread its threatening tentacles, I finally took the bull by the horns and decided to do something about it. The first step was to reach out to a bunch of girlfriends on a group chat for a laugh.

In the course of the lighthearted gossip, one said she wanted the work week to end. I suddenly realised I didn’t know what I wanted. I dug inside myself for an answer.

“I want to be happy,” finally said a small little voice at the back of my brain.

“What would make me happy right now?” I asked, and looked around the room, outside the window, inside my heart.

The yoga mat beckoned. Though I have given up on my yoga practice since December for the very silly reason that I can’t stand doing it on the dog-hair-strewn floor, I do meditate on that mat from time to time. So I brushed away the black and golden strands of hair off the floor, shooed the dogs away, spread out my mat and sat in half-lotus pose. In 15 minutes, despite the fact that the mind had whirred madly all through, I felt lighter and better. The neck stopped hurting.

But I wanted still more treats. I requested the man to put off the computer, turn his phone off, and give me undivided attention while the help (who thankfully turned up on time today) cooked us radish-stuffed rotis. We proceeded to have a long, satisfying discussion over breakfast about our dreams, ambitions and feelings. By the time the tea mugs were drained, I felt just wonderful – all talked out and happily empty.

Later, I asked myself again, “What do I want?”

A barrage of larger-than-life dreams flooded my brain, those secret goals one is too embarrassed to ever talk about. But overshadowing them all with love came another response: “Life is beautiful as it is. I couldn’t have asked for more.”

I watched with gratitude as the unspoken dreams smiled – awaiting gleefully, patiently for their fruition – while the Moment had its moment in the sun.


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