Of late, I’ve been feeling constantly tired. I first thought it was perhaps due to an increased workload (we’ve just taken on a second on-stand publication). Then I reasoned it was due to a continuous schedule that didn’t give me reprieve even on weekends. Perhaps it’s the demands of two teenagers, and the messes they make. Or maybe it’s running a home single-handedly that’s taking a toll on me – 7-8 utility bills to remember to pay, electronics that keep conking off, a car windshield that collapses, stuff like that.
Then I managed to have a glimpse of a moment of truth: it’s not the ‘stuff’ that’s tiring me. The fatigue is coming from the inside. All the other things are merely reflections of it. And I don’t yet know the antidote.
So I decided to do what I know best: to make the most of the little things. To seek the good despite the bad. To give despite the apparent ‘running on empty’.
1. Yesterday morning, the elder one was in a sorrowful mood. “No one likes me. I have no best friend. I have no boyfriend. I am miserable. My life is useless,” she ranted. I was going about housework like a zombie when I suddenly clutched her tight. “Love is in the giving. It’s only when YOU give love that you receive love.” She wriggled out of my arms and continued her tirade of being unhappy. “Then choose happiness,” I said, opening my arms out to her. “Happiness and love are standing with open arms in front of you, and you refuse to let them in.” After more cajoling, she reluctantly walked back into my hug.
“Say, I choose happiness,” I ordered. “I choose sadness,” she teased, hugging me back.
“Say, I choose happiness,” I ordered again. This time she repeated it after me, breaking into a grin. “Say it again, and again,” I said, until she said it thrice and with more conviction. Putting my head back, I called out to the universe, “So be it, so be it, so be it.”
Minutes later, as she giggled her way out to head for school, I reminded her of what I had been trying to convey: “I have been so tired, baby. And yet, by trying to give you some love and affection, I’m feeling better myself. That’s what I mean: give and you shall receive.”
2. This morning, while meditating with my yoga teacher, he instructed me to feel ‘my Krishna’ come inside me. Since for me, there is no ONE face or sensation to identify with God, I decided to blend into the moment. Suddenly a gush of the sweetest breeze wafted in through the window across my face, and the sweetest instrumental music began playing on the CD (I listen to it every day during yoga, but the timing of this particular track coming on today was just phenomenal). I was immersed in a sense of ‘nowness’, a wave of gratitude, and an overwhelming sense of abundance. Oh it was beautiful. Krishna has such indescribably delightful ways of showing me Her Love.
Yes, I’m still tired. But Love will keep me going.