Seeking God

Light of self-awareness

A few days ago, I read this question posted by Henrik Edberg on his Positivity Blog, “How will my life look in 5 years if I continue to stay on the same path as now?” I immediately closed my eyes and imagined this, and realised I am okay, I am on the right path. But unconsciously, a voice within me probed further, “How do you ensure you will live up to 80?” The answer came, “No doubt, I am okay to go to 80.”

The voice persisted. “96?”

I mulled over it. “Yes, maybe. If I relax a bit more.”

The voice went on. “108?”

I had to search within myself for clues, my closed eyes scanning my body and being for the answer. “I worry too much, I have to learn equanimity. I have to flatten out my emotional graph; too much drama. I can make it to 108 if I stay neutral.” I then proceeded to forget about this self-conversation.

Today, I had a bit of drama in my heart, a volcano of emotions that erupted after a frustrated spell. At the end of the outpour, I realised: I’m responsible for my own happiness. No matter how much I try to ensure everyone else’s, at the end, my own happiness is my purest gift to the world. If I am churning within, what can I offer anyone else?

That’s when this inner dialogue came to my mind and I decided to go neutral. To allow negative emotions bounce back from me, to shield myself from any more stresses, to focus on my own healing and self-love for a while. Maybe always. There is no heroism in being a hero for everyone else at a cost to myself.

This Diwali, as homes lights up with candles and sparklers, may we all first light up our own hearts with love and warmth, not just for our near and dear ones, but our own selves. May the Goddess shower us with the wisdom to recognise and honour our own needs, the courage to shelter our own souls, and the strength to nurture our own growth. A very enlightening Diwali to you all.

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