On some days, a wave of pointlessness washes over me. It’s rare, for sure, because I am otherwise an optimistic person who chooses to see the positive side of all situations. But for the past few days, there’s an existentialist sense of, “What’s the whole point of this?”
1. Am I in the right profession? Print media is going to be irrelevant five years from now, definitely ten. My kids’ generation has no time for bulky reading material, and paper is going to become a precious tradable commodity. What’s the future of magazines then?
2. Am I headed in the right direction? What have I contributed to the planet in my time here? Who has ‘breathed easier’ because I have lived? Have I been of any use at all?
3. What about all these relationships, these knots and webs of love, hate and power that we’ve created? These complex emotional bonds we can neither live with nor live without… What’s the point of all this?
4. And what’s all this madness of materialism, this shopping, these four bloody credit cards that I use as an excuse to boost the economy, only to end up with piles and piles of THINGS in my cupboards, things I have no use of once I die… Why have I spent so many years of my life in arcades and malls looking for the right fit, the perfect size, the best price? How does it even matter in the larger scheme of things?
5. And food. My lust for food that turns into sticky guilt followed by self-hatred, ending up in cycle of despair… My struggles with my weight that have kept me performing at less than optimum level all my life. What am I fighting, what am I defending, why am I at war with myself all the time? Who effing cares?
And then faces block my vision, the people I love zoom into view. And then signs from the Universe persist. Twice in a week I was given one message: “Have two parallel professions in your life, one that sustains your mind and wallet, the other that sustains your spirit and soul.” And another message that came twice: “An old person out there needs your attention, but you haven’t been able to help since you were caught in the dhara (flow) of life.”
I cannot ignore these faces and messages, I must heed, no matter how pointless it all seems. There is a larger scheme of things that I am unable to understand at present. There is a reason for all this. I must heed the important lessons here:
1. My relationships are important.
2. I have to develop myself in a new direction.
3. I have to reach out and help someone urgently.
As long as I can keep these in mind, I will be fine. The point will reveal itself.