Seeking God

Livin’ in the grey zone

There are two separate realities in my life – as I am sure there are in
everyone else’s – where I play separate roles and have different expectations
in relationships. Let’s call them Situation A and Situation B. There’s also a
Situation C, which is my work life, but this post isn’t about that.

Situations A and B are both extremely close to my heart. Both are based in
love, commitment and, to a large extent, sacrifice. Both are entrenched in old
karmic bonds, unavoidable and yet deeply cherished. Situation A gives me
satisfaction and yet drains me – akin to the feeling of a responsibility well
done. Situation B gives me pleasure and forces me to look at my personal
failings and grow – akin to writing on this blog. Both are intrinsic parts of
me. One is a duty, the second a choice – but both define who I am.

Over the years, I have tended to give higher importance to Situation A
whenever forced to choose between the two. Service before self, and all of
that. Recently, for the very first time, and due to certain promises I had made
to myself earlier this year, I chose Situation B when pushed to a corner. A
roar resulted, much like shocked waves crashing on an unexpected rock in the
ocean. Nature drew up Her forces and stood tall, whirling like a typhoon and
uprooting life as I knew it. Everywhere barricades came up, blockages, things
going awry. But since my mind was made up, I did not turn back.

By the end of it, I was split down the middle of my being. On one hand, I
truly cherished my moments of happiness snatched from Nature’s hands. On the other,
the repercussions left me reeling with guilt and remorse. Why did self-love
have to come at such a price, I asked God. Both situations are ‘right’ for me;
I see Krishna in both. Then why am I made to choose between them? Why can’t I
have fulfilment in both, at the same time? What was all this teaching me?

And the only answer that came is: “Sometimes, there is no one way.
Sometimes, you have to learn to deal with two truths, both holy. Sometimes,
life is not black and white. Learn to live in the ambiguities, the grey areas,
the uncertainty and balancing on the thin rope. Learn not only how to choose
but also how to live with the consequences of your choices. You cannot NOT act.
You have to do your karma — which, in your case, means following your heart
despite stringent social rules and taboos. But then, don’t fight the results.
Accept them. God has a plan for your life. And that’s all you need to
know.”

I am still reeling. I am still tired and worn from the struggle. But by
learning to live with conflicted priorities and a schizophrenic reality, I
sense I will only grow. Sometimes, it is the grey areas where Life sprouts its
fruit.

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2 thoughts on “Livin’ in the grey zone

  1. sending you lots of positive vibes, and wishing you a comfortable cushion to rest your head upon as you navigate life’s grey routes.
    ‘learn not only how to choose, but also how to live with the consequences of your choices’. so so true. and so needed for me to hear right now. thank you. your posts are always a trailblazer for me, giving me the courage to walk down my own paths with a tad bit more confidence.

    Like

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